and there is hatred
in them
which they spew
on others like venom
these serpents
will kill you
because of
your religion
for the language
you speak
or your caste
or race
and class
and you might
find yourself
being battered
by someone
you think
is your own brother
your own sister
and you will feel
such sadness
at this evil
you will weep
your sobs shaking
your broken body
being beaten
till you die.
so there is love
outside on the street
two mothers chat
as their little sons run
and a small girl calls out
to her sister
who shouts
Pravina Pravina
and I am so happy
to see and hear all this
I look up into
the green trees
above
and all the leaves
are singing
love love love.
and I tell
Manikandan
that it was
late today
and he says yes
it took its time
and we laugh
and Noorja
is having breakfast
in her balcony
and we greet each other
and then she asks me
about my sister
who comes out
on the porch
and soon goes
to meet her
and the birds chirp
and the hawker
blows his horn
calling out
his wares
as I write this
and now
the quietness
fills my heart
with love.
sitting with me here
on the porch
and the shade is my sister
sheltering me
all the time
and the Earth is my mother
feeding me freely
with love
and this Universe
is my father
I feel his frequency
and the wind blows
like a song
and the leaves of the trees
are the singers
and it is so beautiful
these small orange flowers
dancing on the forest floor
before me
and a yellow flower
and those red flowers hanging
and the roses behind me sway
and their red is so beautiful
this town becomes paradise
and when the birds chirp
the music inside my ears tingle
and just then the baby next door cries
father father she howls as she screeches
and then suddenly she goes silent
and I hear my heart’s calm connection
to the world its quietness its peace
it partakes freely like the air I breathe
and in a moment I get the whole thing
I am the heart of the cosmos its king
and I feel like I can do anything
and just at that moment
the crickets begin to sing
and happiness carries me on its wing
and with my laughter the whole world begins to ring.
old homes
I remember
streetlights
a time of happiness
that will never come back
and now all is unhappiness
drawing at the heart
a ship sinking
in the waters
and then my uncle
came to take me
from kindergarten
he my dad my mom
my sister and I were
going to visit a ship
and I remember him
and the day
iron alongside
the sea shimmering
and big brown pipes
and it is probably
my earliest memory
beyond this is darkness
and I think of water
as having given me
my mind in a way
it is only from here
that I remember
and kindergarten itself
St. Dominic Savio’s
small garden
was like paradise
to me
and I bloomed
like a flower
and now pain
is my lover
in her arms I cry
of times gone by.
his blood sugar
is fluctuating
his sodium is low
he’s in the same hospital
he was a while ago
when he had Covid
and the doctor had said
that all his organs had
been damaged
and early this week
he was hospitalised
for fluctuating blood pressure
and then they got him home
and my father who can’t speak now
because of his tracheostomy
kept trying to say something
and the nurse and my sister
couldn’t understand
what he was trying to say
until finally the nurse got it
he was saying that he wanted to walk
but he had forgotten that he couldn’t
he had been in bed for more
than four months now
being fed through his stomach peg tube
and he had to be lifted up to sit
and they told him that he couldn’t walk
later he asked for water
and my sister had to tell him
that she couldn’t give him water either
because of his tracheostomy
it would go into his lungs
so she wetted his lips and tongue
with some water
and then he had cough
and the doctor said
he’ll have to get
his tracheostomy tube changed
so they went to the hospital again
to get it changed
and when they came back
the next day
my father’s blood sugar levels
were fluctuating and so they took
him to the hospital once more
and he’s battling for his life
and it is pitiful.
air has perhaps gone
to some other planet
or the Earth itself has gone
somewhere
leaving me hanging here
I don’t know where
and I can’t take it anymore
so my mind has shut down
and there is utter darkness
in which there is no me
something similar to
what took place
a long time ago
in my life
when I was a boy
waiting at the dentist’s clinic
with 5-6 teeth to be extracted
and when the doctor gave me
anaesthesia and asked me to
count to three
I think I managed one
and then slid down into the basin
next to me
going down its hole
and then I was flying
in the dentist’s chair
over my neighbourhood
over the buildings the gardens
the trees
and I was in high spirits
and everything was bright
and shiny
and I reached the building
where I lived and then
there was a complete blackout
so dark and deep
there was nothing
nothing at all
no me
not a shred of my life
and then I woke up later
very sleepy and slept
on the dentist’s couch
and my father and my sister
carried me out
and took me home
in a taxi
and then once again I slept
till late in the night
and woke up
to eat ice cream
I remember
but that dark earlier
and the nothingness
following that
seemed like what
death would be like
and today I feel
the same way
and so I say
once again I die
like I did that day
and once again I will live
like I did that day.
crumpled in the corner
the mind is all slit eyes
and the green and
golden world
is relaxing
remembering so many
days gone past
so many people
who walked the Earth
as it blinks and blinks again
and I met my ailing father
and stayed with him
and my sister
for a few days
he cannot speak now
he is bed ridden
and has a tube in his throat
and another in his stomach
through which he is fed
but he was very happy
to see me
all those days
and we kissed each other
when I left
and I felt he was like a boy
helpless
and now I know
how weak you become
with illness and age
after seeing my mother die
and now my father
in this condition
and he has pain
swallowing his own saliva
and I know the sadness
he feels over the whole thing
I saw the tears in his eyes
and him wiping them
and tears welled up in mine too
and he took my hand and put
it on his chest and patted it
and I remembered the old days
when I was small
and sometimes slept next to him
and then he felt
so much love for me
he did the same thing
he took my hand and putting it
on his chest patted it
and I remember
his masculine smell
which I loved
and was not there now
perhaps because
he couldn’t bathe as before
and the nurse
was getting ready
with the warm water
to give him a sponge bath
and I told my father we’ll meet
again soon and he nodded
his head and we shook hands
and surprisingly there was still strength
in his grip and I left for home
and now here in Kumily
as I write this I think of him
and the leaves outside sway gently
in the breeze
and the birds chirp
and say don’t worry
he’ll be alright again
and hope blooms
like a flower in my heart
and I smell
its life giving fragrance
and lift my eyes to the light
in the sky.
before I begin on a clean slate
and I realise that I have to keep
cleaning it simply because this thought
is so persistent it tears open my mind
and appears before me I spoke to my father
on the phone today before his tracheostomy
he won’t be able to speak again
the doctor said and I wished him
good luck and he said thank you
and his voice was already low and scarred
because of his damaged larynx
but it was still clearly my dear father’s
and I said that I would come and stay with him
when he was discharged from hospital
and he said okay and then I spoke to my sister
there is so much suffering in old age
I saw my mother’s agony some months ago
before she died suddenly
and now my father’s trauma it is very painful
and my sister said that there will be pain
after the operation death seems like such
a gruesome thing I mean before it happens
how it tortures its victim and I have only tears
and we are just blips on the screen of time
us humans and so love is the most important thing.
and cold yesterday
here in Kumily
I wore my blue woollen cap
and slept in the afternoon
and when I woke up
there was my father’s illness
and mine I was thinking about
as the dry leaves swirled
in my property
and I thought about
my times with my father
and the rest of the family
taxi rides in Bombay
the billboards
and I would go with him
to the market
to the bank
and now in the hospital
he is once again
breathing through his mouth
and tears come to my eyes
and in my childhood
he took us to restaurants
and there are so many things
I remember
and this distinct memory
of us at the Nehru Planetarium
and the show dazzled me
all those stars in the sky
and he would set his hair
and tie it with a handkerchief
especially after a haircut
and now there is his recurring
respiratory problem
his lungs his kidney too
have been affected
and he’s been in the hospital
for so long
and is being fed through a tube
through his stomach
and my sister says
he has lost weight
and there’s some
new problem
every other day
and when we were kids
I would say his head
looked like a piece of beef
that he liked so much
and soon the doctor
will do a third bronchoscopy
on him tomorrow
or the day after
to see if he needs a tracheostomy
and as tears fill my eyes
I remember this
beautiful afternoon
in Dadar
and my father my mother
my sister and me are boarding
this red BEST bus
on our way to Ghatkopar
and the sun shines
and now as my heart beats
I think of my sister
how exhausted she is
and how much
my father is suffering
and I realise
that life can be
really hard
really painful
squeezing my father’s neck
in its big hands
and I think of my father’s face
and I close my eyes.
Dominic Alapat 